Top Chef DC: John Somerville will be played by Jeff Goldblum

Top Chef DC sanely asked John "Rasta Goldblum" Somerville to pack his knives and go. In his own words, "I barely had a chance to pull a knife out of my bag." I take that as a threat.

He also tries to mind-snuggle us with "women really love my pastries" and "I'm a really likable kind of a guy." Kind of.

Also, his "toenails grow at a rate that you can't even believe." Oh, that kind of likable.

Hear him say those words and others that will make you never want to eat again:

When he tries to slash Eric Ripert's obscenely beautiful francoface after sneaking back on-set, his sad little toenail-clipping-strewn life story will be made into a movie. And he will be played by Jeff Goldblum wearing several aged and tranquilized llamas on his head.