Faye Dunaway's Sitcom

Faye Dunaway had a sitcom.

It's like discovering that Ruth Bader Ginsberg spiked a mean volleyball in her forgotten, big-boned youth.  Or that Aretha Franklin twisted balloon dachshunds as a party clown.

"It Had To Be You" lasted for about one month in 1993, and it seems just right that Robert Urich also starred.

Delicious recipe for 4-episode success?

3/4 cup Dunaway as publishing big-wig
1/2 cup blue-collar Urich
3 blue-collar kids from previous marriage
1 tsp awkward chemistry
1 Tbsp Gumption of Dunaway

Stir until agents are nearly fired.

Notice the discomfort in your lower chakras as you attempt to internally resolve the incongruity of Faye Dunaway and a laugh track.

Bonnie Franklin Taps Her Way Into America's Heart

"Julie!" ~ Bonnie Franklin, One Day At a Time

Fact: Bonnie Franklin loves to tap.  "Maple trees?  That ass?" you may ask.  No!  Tap dance!

And, I'll let you in on a little secret: Bonnie Franklin hates to exercise.  I know these things because I read the cover of her DVD, "I Hate to Exercise, I Love to Tap, starring Bonnie Franklin".

Out of 74 customer reviews on Amazon, this gem of a video has received 66 five-star reviews!  From people who aren't being snarky!  So, it seems she is a legit triple threat: acting, dancing, sassy.  God bless her perky-but-had-it-up-to-here heart.

You can own it.  You should own it. Own it.

Creepy Puppets: The Wiggles

In what universe did The Wiggles not get sued out of existence for scaring the hell out of innocent parents with their homemade Devil Dolls?

If you enjoy creepy puppets, scaring small children, or having nightmares, then you're sure to love this fabulously awful early incarnation of the now-slick Aussie syndicate.

Bear in mind that this was developed by men with early education backgrounds in order to entertain, not permanently scar, small children.  The kids may be alright, but I'm writing this from the fetal position.

What puppets freak you out?

Susan Powter: Stop! The insanity is online.

Susan Powter has a website full of the inexplicable ramblings of a woman with bicep-loads of misplaced confidence garnered from years of people telling her that the advice to "eat, breathe and move" changed their lives.

It's fabulous.

Her core advice is akin to wisdom dispensed by a mafioso laundering money through a gym in New Jersey.  "To loose da extra weight?  I think yous oughta eat, breed, and, uh...move.  Okay?  Have a nice day."

Here's one of Susan Powter's video diary entries.  Interspersed with her bon mots are many, many cuts to flowers and trees.  For extra fun, imagine that the foliage is saying things like "Are you okay, ma'am?" and "Leeet's get you up and walking, kiddo.  Come on, don't fall asleep on me."

Bad-min-ton is the game.

Here's Powter lobbying for a position with Dr. Bronner's Magic Soap:

Simply explained, totally understandable and it's true, and you get and you get and you get, extended by popular demand, the kind of demand I like, do it now, it's time!


Also, people write in asking for her advice, and she disgorges gems like this:

Q: Do you believe raw food is better than cooked b/c of the enzymes that are live? Do you believe that cooked foods are addicting?

A?:

I don't

And

Suggesting

Raw for

The epidemic

And it is

Of obesity

Facing millions

Is well

What it is...

Let's start

With movement

And

Whole more

Than processed

Then a little

Lean muscle

Mass and

Cardio endurance

And, now........

I had to put it to sleep.  Let's tell the children that Susan's answer has gone to live on a farm with other visionary writing.

Taken as a whole, the site has a soothing Ti-and-Do-meet-Intervention feeling about it.  Especially enjoy the coherent "Don't even talk to me re: nipples" post.

Susan Powter is ratbones crazy, and I applaud her efforts at documenting said crazy on her website.

TrendTrition: Grapples, fruit with low self-esteem!

Last week, my husband grabbed apples from the grocery store for his office stash.  As they sat on the counter, I noticed a distinctive faux-grape aroma wafting from ... did Mark start wearing Bonnie Bell lip gloss again?  Snork!  It's the apples.  Or rather...

...GRAPPLES!

Anytime you see an ingredients list on a package of apples, run to the farmers' market and hug your local farmer and maybe roll around on the produce in a fit of kitty-in-a-field-of-catnip ecstasy.

This isn't the result of the Future Farmers of America field trip to the Island of Dr. Moreau.  It's straight-up injection infusion into the apple of "natural and artificial grape flavors", which is like Spanx or collagen injections for produce with a wonky super-ego.

Check it: the anthropomorphized Grapples look freaking thrilled to not be themselves anymore.  Much like makeover winners with lots of rejection issues, Grapples virtually cry out "Eat me!"

But, I think they're the laughing-on-the-outside/crying-on-the-inside kind of fruit, so I won't.

Coming soon: blueberries that taste like gravy.

Suite 101: Kids Can Become Vegetable Lovers!

In my continuing series of articles on Suite 101, discover how to teach your children to LOVE vegetables.

The most recent article, "Participation Turns Kids Into Vegetable Eaters", teaches you four simple, effective ways to use participation as the key to encourage healthful eating.

The series continues throughout May and June on Suite 101.

Mike Birbiglia on The Moth

Comedian Mike Birbiglia is everywhere right now ~ off-Broadway in his one-man "Sleepwalk With Me", Comedy Central, The Moth, This American Life, and floating through space on his website.

I first heard Mike Birbiglia on The Moth podcast, telling one of the funniest stories to have churned through my fraying earbuds in the past year. His delivery is slow-burn, the story is stupefying. Listen to it now. For free. THE POWER OF COMEDY COMPELLS YOU.

Charles Nelson Reilly DVD for free?! Read on!

As we approach the two-year anniversary of Charles Nelson Reilly's death, there is no better time to remember the singular wit of one of the 1970's most flamboyant and un-closeted entertainers (which is to say, he was never really out, but never really in).

Here's CNR and the late Brett Somers busting chops:

I consider myself very lucky (thanks to my friend Kevin) to have seen Charles Nelson Reilly onstage in 2004 at the El Portal Theatre.  "Save It For the Stage: The Life of Reilly" was his one-man memoir performance, and it was a surreal pleasure to see him in person.  I was 8 months pregnant at the time, and the fact that I could sit still for 2 hours to watch a man reminisce about his life from birth to present day is a testament to Charles Nelson Reilly's natural ability to entertain.

While you can no longer get within ascot-sniffing distance of the dearly departed CNR, you can own the film adaptation of his one-man show for free (wha?) with the purchase of any one of a number of classy t-shirts at charlesnelsonreilly.com.

Here's one of the best moments of Saturday Night Live's not-very-classic years.  Alec Baldwin as Charles Nelson Reilly.  It's as if someone crept into my head during a particularly intimate moment of abandon, and then made it into a little skit.

 

About 4 years ago, I ran into freaked out Alec Baldwin over my love for this sketch.

Saturday morning, The Grove, on my way to breakfast at The Farm.

Alec Baldwin, alone, blustering across the nearly empty promenade, clearly on his way to point B. 

Me (more ebullient than I had intended): "Mr. Baldwin, I just have to tell you that your impression of Charles Nelson Reilly was one of the sexiest things I've ever seen on television."

Alec Baldwin (face briefly distorted in confusion/fear-for-life): "Um...thanks?  Thanks." Continues on his way to point B, only more quickly.

Don't hate me because I have such fabulous encounters with celebrities.

Here's to you, Charles Nelson Reilly.  Your glasses wiggle will never die.

Aaron Altman: Cerebral, supportive hijinx await!

Plinky prompt of the day:

"Which movie's characters would you befriend in real life?"

Broadcast News: In a movie full of newsy backstabbers, Albert Brooks' character is funny, supportive, smart, funny, neurotic, lovesick, funny, kind of sweaty, and altogether endearing. And funny. 

I love Albert Brooks. 

And so, I would hang out with any of his characters, even Hank Scorpio. 

"Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If needy were a turn on?" 

Typically, not so much. But in the form of Aaron Altman, shape of Albert Brooks, I know we'd make great wonder twins.

Buy This Book: DIRT: The Quirks, Habits, & Passions of Keeping House

Check out the new collection DIRT: The Quirks, Habits, and Passions of Keeping House edited by Mindy Lewis.

This outstanding collection features my fabulously talented friend since forever, Kayla Cagan.  Her essay "We're Tired, She's Hired" gives voice to the internal angst of hiring someone to clean your home.   And the guilt that arises from feeling guilty.  If you've ever had someone do your dirty work, you've felt it ~ now read it in the voice you wish you had.

Besides, DIRT was featured in "O Magazine".  As an American, you are obligated to purchase this Oprah-sanctioned work.

Dom DeLuise: 1933-2009

Comic actor, chef, effeminate heterosexual, and friend of Muppets & sandwiches everywhere, Dom DeLuise died in his sleep last night at the age of 75.

Here's Dom losing his composure for a really, really long time in the never-tiresome, inside-jokefest Cannonball Run outtakes.  Watch as Burt Reynolds pretends that he's not a complete asshole ("See, I'm LAUGHING HARDER than ANYONE!").

TrendTrition: JELL-O is health food now!

American food companies heart buzzwords.  Omega-3's on the Today Show? Antioxidants in Parade Magazine?  Oprah loves fiber!  Time for 100-Calorie Packs of Omega-3 Whole Grain Oreos with AntioxidantPlus! Because that's better than eating real food.

Here's the latest trend-tritious calamity to stick in my proverbial craw (nothing sticks in my real craw ~ I eat lots of fiber):

JELL-O ... with Antioxidants?  For giggles and mark-up, they've also buzzworded these monstrosities with goji and acai!  Thought: if you're using boiled pig bones 'n' skin, artificial sweetener, artificial color and artificial flavor as your antioxidant delivery method of choice, you're kind of missing the point.

Now, go eat a piece of fruit.

Arroz y frijoles for the white girl

Plinky prompt of the day:

What was your go-to "broke meal?"

Beans & rice ~ or Arroz y Frijoles, as I called them in order to feel ethnic, revolutionary and unbroke. As if it was my meal of choice, a protest against patriarchal oppression, or maybe something with the Sandinistas...or...I don't know. I was broke.

I still love beans & rice, but now I gormandize them with wine like the detached bourgeois I've worked so hard to become. Vino la revolucion!

Breeze it, buzz it, Weezy does it

Plinky's prompt of the day: 

"OH NO, IT'S A RUMBLE! Quick, put together your ideal gang of street toughs!"

Isabel Sanford
In my world, Isabel "Weezy" Sanford is still alive and ready to rumble. She whipped George Jefferson into place, didn't take guff from the sassy help, and single-handedly ran the Help Center. Who we up against? Sharks? Jets? Dry cleaner convention attendees? Isabel would keep cooly-cool, boy.

Tommy Tune
He's one tall drink of water, and he'll Chicago Box your sweet ass into next Tuesday. Pow!

Joe Pesci
Like a chihuahua bouncing around a bulldog, or a mosquito buzzing in your ear during a company picnic, Pesci would annoy the rival gang to distraction. Then, he'd kneecap them and get sausage and peppers for the whole crew. Bust cool!

Click, but be warned without malice of fun that awaits!

This site makes me laugh like an insane woman.

see more Engrish

New parents! Old parents! Hear Ye!

21 Months is a no-nonsense resource for new parents, focusing on pregnancy and the first year of life.

New articles on 21 Months:

• Stop morning sickness with ginger
  
• Prevent stretch marks: time-honored techniques & cutting-edge products
  
• Banking your baby's cord blood? Check out the bottom-line prices for all the major cord blood banks.
  
• Concerned about post-partum depression? Omega-3 foods may ease the symptoms.
  

Also, my series about raising kids who love vegetables continues on Suite 101.

• Everyday Changes Create Vegetable-Loving Kids
• Healthy Food Games For Kids
• Participation Turns Kids Into Vegetable Eaters
• Basics of Raising Vegetable Loving Children
  

Bea Arthur's Finest Moment

No, I'm not over Bea Arthur's death just yet, thanks for asking.

Here's the infamous Cantina Scene from the deliciously disastrous Star Wars Holiday Special of 1978.  Enjoy the sizzling chemistry between dainty Bea and super-butch Harvey Korman.

The New, Sad Math: Meg Ryan Edition

"Special" Agent Oso

Oy. Over the weekend, my daughter and I fell prey to the Disney Advertising Juggernaut (or "Dajjie, Your New Best Friend" as they call it).  We watched the heavily-promoted, yet slapped-together show, "Special Agent Oso (The Unique Stuffed Bear)".

Yikes!  And here's why:

• He looks and feels like a latter-day Mickey Rooney.
• The animation rouses nostalgia for Dire Straits' Money For Nothing video.
  
• The constantly befuddled Oso retains information for approximately as long as a summer sidewalk retains water marks.

My 4-year-old summed up Oso's pity-inducing ineptitude thusly: "Why is he allowed to go out by himself and fly around like an adult, but he only understands things that a baby understands?"  Indeed.

When you compete with the likes of DJ Lance Rock, Candy Land, and pipe cleaner art, you'd best be bringing your A-game, flighty stuffed bear.

We're O-So over this show.

Waylon Jennings & Madame

Intermittently, I get the phrase "Waylon Jennings & Madame" stuck in my head.  With all respect for the dear departed Wayland Flowers, I do believe that Hoss and Madame make a spectacular team.

Here they are with Lady Bunny.

Fun Fact: Madame was buried alive with Wayland Flowers in 1988!  The Serpent and the Rainbow Flag.

CAN'T GET ENOUGH MADAME?  Queeny puppet reverie awaits ...

• Official Madame Site: My childhood nightmare realized in Flash.
  
• Madame's MySpace page (e-sassy!) 
• 
  

Haiku for 1990

Shirt buttoned to top.

How shall I accessorize?

Bolo tie or brooch?

Haiku for a Guido in Point Pleasant

You smell like Drakkar.

Ocean breeze...hair immobile.

What the...? Waxed eyebrows?

Haiku for 1999

Sipping Absolut

Waiting for Queer Duck to load

At 28k

And then there's blog.

Bea Arthur is dead.  As the old saying goes, when one soul dies, another blog is born.

And so, I dedicate my first entry to Maude... Tuckahoe's most outspoken broad!  The one who tried to pass off oregano as marijuana...who sauced around like a lady of half her height and breadth when a telethon or community show required her services...who never backed down from a fight with her lilliputian 17th husband Walter.

As you can see from this picture, she's urging me on with a "Gooooooo, girl" from beyond the grave.  Thanks, Bea!  I will.